Year Of

2026 Edition

Long time no see, Substack! Yeah, I’ve been away from this platform. Yeah, I want to get back to it. Thought we’d start off strong with another “Year Of.” Here are some of my front-runners:

Year of The Praying Mantis

Materialize suddenly and scare people. Gradually appear more and more extraterrestrial. Devour your lovers.

Year of the Filthy Mitten

Someone dropped you long ago, didn’t they? Please know they didn’t mean it. You will be found and washed and warm again.

Year of The Orange

If you were in California, you would grow freely on sidewalks and in backyards. (This is your sign to move to California.)

Year of The Uncrustable

Dude, whatever. Get dunked!!

Year of The Baby Making Extended Eye Contact

I know it’s uncomfortable. You can do this. Don’t look away.

Year of The Surprisingly Helpful LinkedIn Post

Not where you thought you’d find salvation, but isn’t that just the thing?

Year of Wait A Minute! That’s a Bold-Faced Lie!

Start a group of Christmas Carolers that work year-round, singing only the chorus to Simon & Garfunkel’s “The Boxer” in the streets.

Year of The Smell of McDonalds When There’s No McDonalds Nearby

Some things don’t require investigation. They require awe and acceptance.

Year of the Never-Ending Gift Card

How much would you give yourself if you knew there would always be enough?

Year of Your “Lazy” Guardian Angel, Tina

What you don’t realize is she saved you from, like, twelve car crashes and multiple kidnappings between the years 1995-2017. She’s tired. Please make your request less frequent and more genuine.

Year of The Haunted Doll

Don’t touch me.

Year of The Noisy Neighbor

Eventually, you will learn when to say something and when to just move.

Year of Ohhhh Ok, Now I Get It

It was never about the thing they said it was about.

Year of The Year

Always an option! Cheers to you and yours and theirs.